So our bro Adam did it with Eve, but he forgot to use a condom, so he totally knocked her up. 

So Eve eventually gave birth to a lil dude, whom she named "Cain", which is short for "Can't do shit". Eve said, "Thanks to God, I have given birth to a bro". 

Eve later on gave birth to another lil dude (Adam just couldn't find a condom to put on his dick), whom she named "Abel," which is short for "Able to do shit". 

When they grew up, Abel became a sheep hoarder (he apparently really liked sheep) and Cain grew weed in his backyard. 

So at the end of every Friday, Cain and Abel brought offerings to God as a sign of respect. 

"What do you mean by 'offering'?" you ask. An "offering" is like when you fuck up at college, so your parents have to give money to your uni president so that you can continue to stay on campus. Like, imagine 1 night you and your bros get drunk, you steal a golf cart from the golf team, and then crash the golf cart into a statue on campus or drive the cart into the pool for the swim team. Then your parents have to give your school fat cash in the form of a library or a fancy new title for 1 of the professors in the sociology department. Part of it's cuz you fucked up, but part of it's cuz your parents have to give respect to the school. This is like an "offering". 

Anyways, Abel killed the cutest, cuddliest sheep as an offering for God, which God appreciated. But God did not appreciate Cain's offering*. This made Cain literally the most butthurt person on Earth. 

God saw that Cain was butthurt, and asked, "Yo, my dude, why are you so assmad? Dude, just because you did bad this time, doesn't mean you can't do better next time. Your fucked-up-ness will always be tempting you, but you can master it. You just have to try to grow up".

But Cain realized that doing what God said would require work, so he was like, "Nah, fuck it". 

Also, Cain was still super jelly about Abel. So he texted Abel to meet him outside the Burger King near their house. When Cain got a text from Abel that he was there, Cain then launched a tactical nuke (Cain had gotten 20 straight kills on Call of Duty, so he unlocked a tactical nuke) and killed the fuck outta Abel. 

Afterwards, God asked Cain, "Cain, where is your brother?" To which Cain said, "Why should I kno? U think I be sucking on Abel's dick all the time?" Then God facepalmed and said, "Me-damn, you totally killed Abel. Me-dammit. Okay, I'm totally gonna curse you now. And your curse is that you're going to prison". 

Then Cain started freaking the fuck out and crying like a lil bitch and said, "Nah God, not prison! Other dudes will totally do things to my butthole there!"

God tried to calm Cain the fuck down and said, "Aight, dude, just chill. I'll make it so that anyone who does anything to you or your butthole will get totally revenged by me times 7". Then God tattooed a big penis picture on Cain's forehead, so that anyone who saw Cain knew not to fuck him up. 

So then Cain went on a road trip with his wife, who he also fucked without a condom (like father like son, I guess). His wife gave birth to a lil dude named "Enoch", which is short for "Eh, I got knocked up". Cain built a city on Minecraft, which he named Enoch in honor of his son.

Enoch had a son named Irad, who had a son named Mehujael, who had a son named Mehijael, who had a son named Methushael, who had a son named Lemech. Fuck me, that's a lot of names. 

Anyways, Lemech was an uber douchebag to females, and basically cheated on 2 women named Adah and Zillah. 

Adah gave birth to Jabal, who became the leader of those rich yuppie hippie assholes who think they're better than everyone else because they occasionally sleep in a tent, which somehow makes them "one with nature". Also, Jabal became the leader of people who own a lot of cows...which maybe is the reason why they're so rich. 

Jabal's brother was Jubal, who became the leader of all the nerds in band class. 

Zillah gave birth to Tuberculosis, who invented the toolbox and became a handyman who banged housewives at their home while their husbands were at work. 

Tuberculosis's sister was Na'amah, which is short for, "Nah man, we ain't fucking cuz you be fucked up in the head".

For some reason, Lemech bragged to his wives, "Yo, check it out bitches. I just totally killed two other dudes". To which his wives said, "Weird flex bro, but okay". 

This made Lemech feel embarrassed and buttfaced, so he said, "Uh, yeah, well, also I'll totally do bad things 70 times worse to anyone who does bad things to me. And 70 is a much bigger number than Cain's 7". 

Anyways, going back a few years, after Cain killed Abel, Adam (again) had sex with Eve without a condom, and so Eve got knocked up again. Eve named her 3rd son "Seth", which is short for "Son, go get me my meth", which were Adam's first words to Seth. 

And Seth had a son named Enosh**.

The End of Chapter 4

*We don't know why God didn't like Cain's offering. The Hebrew Bible doesn't really say why. We can assume, however, that it's because Cain smoked the best weed, and offered God only the shitty leftovers.

**Enosh comes from the Hebrew word for "mortal". This is a reference to Enosh's favorite video game Mortal Kombat. 

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