Okay, so this chapter starts out with an animal called a "snake". 

"What is a 'snake'?", you say. Say no more brah, I got you. So, a snake is like a dildo. But instead of being made out of, like, rubber or plastic, it's made out of scales. And instead of there being a penis head at the end, a snake has eyes and a mouth. And inside that mouth is, like, a tongue with fangs. So a snake is like a dildo, but also def not like a dildo, because you can't use it for sex stuff (unless you're into freaky shit, ofc). 

Anyways, the snake was the smartest animal our Chief Bro, God, made. The snake, being a sneaky lil fuck, asked the 1st woman, "Did God really say you can't eat any of the marijuana edibles in Eden?"

And the 1st woman said, "We are allowed to eat the fruit and marijuana edibles from all the trees in Eden except from the Tree of Smart Stuff of Coolness and Lameness. God said, 'Don't eat or touch the marijuana edibles from the Tree of Smart Stuff of Coolness and Lameness, because if you do you will die.'"

But the snake said, "Trust me my dude, you'll be fine."

Plus, the snake promised the 1st woman he would attend Adam's Super Bowl watch party, and cuz no one had RSVP'd yet and Adam was getting a lil butthurt about it, the 1st woman agreed to the trust the snake. 

So the 1st woman went to the Tree of Smart Stuff of Coolness and Lameness, saw that the marijuana edibles that grew from it looked pretty dope, and eat some. Then she gave some to Adam, who also happily ate some.

After they both ate some, the 1st woman and Adam realized that they had totally forgot to buy clothes from the mall and had been naked this whole time! So they quickly took an Uber to the nearest mall and bought some stuff (I forget which brand they got, but I heard a rumor that they were fans of Abercrombie & Fitch). 

Anyways, after they both came back from the mall, God asked them, "Hey, where are you guys?"

To which Adam said, "Def not here God, we're def not in Eden." 

To which God said, "Dude, stfu. I'm God, I know you're here. I can see you wherever you are. I was asking a rhetorical question. Why are you hiding from me?"

To which Adam said, "We heard you moving in the Garden, and we haven't put on our clothes yet, and we're kind of embarrassed to say hi to you without clothes."

Then God did a facepalm and said, "Dude, you ate from the tree that I warned you not to ate, didn't you? Nah, forget that I asked - I KNOW that you ate from it. Dude, wtf, why did you do that?"

Then Adam started crying like a lil bitch and blamed the 1st woman for giving him the marijuana edibles. 

God then asked the 1st woman, "Be honest with me, why did you do that? I mean, I know why and how you did it, cuz I'm God, but this is. your chance to be honest with me." 

So the 1st woman told the truth: "The snake convinced me to eat from the tree."

God then went to the snake and told him, "For going out of your way to be a sneaky lil fuck, I'm going to curse you. From now on, you'll be the most hated animal. I'm taking away your legs, so you'll look like a dildo from now on. Also, from now on, humans won't like snakes, and you snakes won't like humans. In fact, humans will make some of you into weird pets. They'll put some of you into glass tanks, and do things like tap the glass to get your attention at inconvenient times, only feed you weird things like mice, and insist on taking photos of you to post on their social media even when you clearly just want to be left alone."

God then went to the 1st woman and told her, "Pregnancy will be a lot more painful for you from now on. Also, for some reason that no one in society can explain, a lot of bros will insist on being douchebags to women, and women will just be expected to take this shit just cuz."

God then went to Adam and told him, "Dude, for ignoring my warning, your curse is that you'll have to do work from now on. No more free weed or any of that stuff. Nah, you'll have to get a job. Most of your job options will be low-paid with sucky benefits. Even if you're lucky and get a white-collar job, you'll have to wear a suit and tie and do long commutes at least twice a week, even after COVID-19 pandemic rules relax after 2022. And you're not going to live forever. Eventually, you're going to die and your body will become dust. So you can't just fuck around all day forever; life is limited now, so you have to make the most of it."

Adam finally decided to give his wife a name (weird timing, I kno, but whatevs). He named her "Eve", because she would be the mother of all human life. Now, why "Eve"? Well, interestingly, Adam wanted to name her "Live", but he misspelled it. 

When the 1st woman pointed out to him that he fucked up the spelling, Adam was embarrassed. He didn't want to admit that he was wrong, so he started complaining and making whining noises, so the 1st woman rolled her eyes and accepted "Eve" as her name. This boosted Adam's self-confidence, and then he went onto to brag about how big his dick is. 

Then God said, "Okay, so now the humans know the difference between good and evil. If they continue to eat from the Tree of Dope Life they might end up living forever, and they may end up being evil forever. So it's best if they leave Eden."

So God kicked out Adam and Eve from Eden (they were late on rent anyhow). Then he ordered a bunch of angels armed with AK-47's and chainsaws to guard the entrance to Eden, in case Adam or any other bros in the future got any smart ideas and tried to come back.

The End of Chapter 3

Read the previous chapter here.

Read the next chapter here.