So after 6 eras our chief bro, God, finished creating the universe, God decided to take a break after finishing Creation, cuz all bros need time to chill on the weekend. Just based on what we bros do in real life, I assume that God took time to surf and play some Mario Kart. 

After he finished playing all the fun Mario Kart tracks, God declared the 7th day of each week to be a worldwide day off for all bros in honor of having finished Creation. Problem is, we bros over history forgot which day of the week is the last day (is it Saturday or Sunday...*shrug*), so we just decided as a community to take the whole weekend off. I think God is cool with it tho, he seems totally chill. 

Anyways, in this part of the story we go into more detail about how the first bro, "Adam*", was created.

So what God did was shape a bunch of dirt on Earth in the shape of a person. For those bros who have trouble visualizing this, remember when we bros sometimes make funny shapes with cocaine instead of just, like, lines? Kinda like that. 

Anyways, God made a bro-shape out of dirt, and then breathed a soul into it. For those bros who forget what a soul is, "Soul" is a 2020 movie from Pixar Studios directed by Kemp Powers and featuring Jamie Foxx and Tina Fey as voice actors. 

After making the 1st bro, God put the bro in a big frat house called "Eden". Eden was the nicest frat house: it had a deluxe home movie theater, a pool, an extra large garage for lots of Hummers, a hot tub, lots of cute animals (see the picture above), and lots more cool stuff. 

God planted lots of plants around Eden (including all the best weed, obvs), including lots of ones that are fun to look at while high and ones with yummy snacks. The 2 most important ones were the Tree of Dope Life and the Tree of Smart Stuff of Coolness and Lameness.

 And there was a lazy river ride (like in water parks) that passed through Eden that split into four smaller lazy rivers. The 1st was called "Piss-on-me" (probably a reference to the fact that lots of little kids piss in water parks...ew). The 2nd was called Gihon. 

Gihon is super important, because it went through a land called "Kush". And Kush is another name for weed. Yeah man. 

The 3rd was called Tigris, and the 4th was called Euphrates. No one really knows for sure where Eden was. But, like, based on the names, it sounds like it was kinda close to Little Persia in Westwood, LA. So I think we can confidently say that Eden was somewhere in Southern California. 

Anyways, God put the 1st bro in Eden and told him, "You're totally free, dude, to eat from any of the trees around Eden. But I def recommend not eating the marijuana edibles that grow from the Tree of Smart Stuff of Coolness and Lameness,"

And the 1st bro asked, "But, like, why not?" Then God said, "Cuz you'll die bro." And the 1st bro asked, "What's death?" To which God said, "Fuck around and find out brah". 

Aight, now here's the thing. Our bro Adam, as cool as he was, was actually not that smart. During his first few days in Eden, he kept tripping over himself, bumping into trees, and trying to start fist fights with the lions, bears, and kangaroos. He was just totally fucking up all the time. 

God saw this, and said, "Ffs, this dude clearly needs help". 

Adam needed help, cuz he was also super lonely. To keep Adam busy so he wouldn't get bored (college/university hadn't started yet, it was still summer break), God told him to name all the animals that were around Eden. So Adam named all the names, but he noticed that they all had friends and he didn't. 

So God got Adam high. Then while Adam was having some nice high sleep, God took some of Adam's DNA (remember, this is the stuff that helps make dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies) from his side. He used this DNA to create an equal to Adam and a guide for him. This was the 1st woman. 

When he saw the 1st woman, Adam decided to call her gender "woman", which is short for, "wow, she's not a man".

The whole point of woman was so that when us bros finally get kicked out by our moms and dads from home, we can't really do shit by ourselves. We trash our houses, the food we cook sucks, we dress like fuck-ups, and we just stay at home all the time getting high and playing video games. So God created women so we wouldn't be so fucking useless. 

Anyways, the 1st bro and the 1st woman (who'll be named later, be patience bros) were naked at first, but it was all good. It was all good, because the mall was closed on the day they were created. Plus, there was trouble with the Wi-Fi, so the 1st bro and 1st woman couldn't order clothes from online.

The End of Chapter 2

*"Adam" is actually a pun in Biblical Hebrew on the Hebrew word for dirt. This is in reference to the fact that Adam was dirt broke af at the time, because, like, he had no job.  

Read the previous chapter here.

Read the next chapter here.