A statue depicting the bro Methuselah. As seen my his stance, some Biblical scholars have made the claim that he was avid TikTok dance enthusiast. Others say that, as evidenced by his name, his strange pose probably refers to that fact he was high on meth most of the time. Source
The Book of Bronesis: Chapter 5
Published on September 25, 2023
Translated by Daniel Silverman
Alright, so now the Bible is going to tell us about some more bros who were born after Adam and Eve. Just as a reminder, God created humans in his likeness, and made both bros and women.
To add a few more deets from last time, Adam was in fact 130 years old when he knocked up Eve (again), and he named the kid he had Seth. Yeah, I know, holy fuck, this guy was 130 years old and still sticking his dick in places.
Bible scholars have debated whether the fact that Adam knocked up Eve at age 130 is proof that he was a Chad or whether it just means he was a horny old fuck. A consensus is still tbd, and, truthfully, the world may never know.
Anyways, Adam lived up until age 930, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Seth was 105 years when his son Enosh was born. And Seth lived up until age 912, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Okay, then after Seth we had...Oh, what the fuck. Shit, fuck, there so many fucking names in this chapter...wtf?!
*Rubs eyebrows and breathes deeply*
Do I really have to name all these names? Fuck me...ARGHH!
*Sigh*
Alright, fuck it, I guess I'll just name all these names. Okay, where were we...
Enosh was 90 years when his son Kenan Thompson was born. And Enosh lived up until age 905, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Kenan Thompson was 70 years when his son Halal-Food was born. And Kenan Thompson lived up until age 910, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Halal-Food was 65 years when his son Jared Kushner was born. And Halal-Food lived up until age 895, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Jared Kushner was 162 years when his son Knocked-Up was born. And Jared Kushner lived up until age 962, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Knocked-Up was 65 years when his son Methuselah was born. And Knocked-Up lived up until age 365, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally die...oh, wait, my bad, he didn't actually die.
Okay, somewhat interestingly, Knocked-Up didn't die. The Bible instead says that he was "taken by God" after he "walked with God". I'm not sure what this means, or where Knocked-Up walked with God to. Maybe it was to the corner street around the block from his house to get some cigs, dunno.
Anyways, Methuselah was 187 years when his son Lamech was born. And Methuselah lived up until age 969, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Just a quick note: Methuselah is actually short for "crystal meth", which Bible scholars have taken as proof that he was either a user or dealer, if not both. Given that he lived 969, this means that Methuselah was the longest living drug user/dealer in human history.
Anyways, Lamech (which is French for "mechanized infantry") was 182 years when his son Noah was born.
And Lamech said, "This lil bro will allow us other bros to take a break from doing homework and going to the office, and God has cursed office workplaces".
And Lamech lived up until age 777, during which he had tons of daughters and sons. Then he, like, totally died.
Noah was 500 years old when he had his sons Shemale, Hamburger, and Japanese-Hemp. But this chapter doesn't say when he died, cuz - SPOILER ALERT - the next chapter talks more about Noah.
Now, before we end, it's important to note the obvious: all the bros are mentioned, but what about the women? Well, unfortunately, the Bible doesn't list the names and lives of the women. That's just lost to history. This doesn't excuse the fact that the women were left out, and, in fact, it's kind of shitty. But, like, you gotta understand, that the Bible was written during an age where bros were operating under the influence of great bro douchebagery, and feminism wasn't invented yet.
So while we can't change what's written in the Bible, what we can do, moving forward, is put in effort to give credit to women too. Credit where credit's due, amiright? So let's use the fact that the Bible only really focuses on bros to remind ourselves to both recognize bros and women.
The End of Chapter 5
NOTE: Okay, now, like, I know what some of you bros are thinking. You're probably thinking, "How did all these dudes in this chapter live so long?!" No worries my dudes, I gotcha. The answer is actually really simple: they were all hella bad at math.
Read the previous chapter here.
Genesis Chapter 5 (English - Source)
1This is the narrative of the generations of man; on the day that God created man, in the likeness of God He created him.
2Male and female He created them, and He blessed them, and He named them man (Adam) on the day they were created.
3And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years, and he begot in his likeness after his image, and he named him Seth.
4And the days of Adam after he begot Seth were eight hundred years, and he begot sons and daughters.
5And all the days of Adam that he lived were nine hundred and thirty years, and he died.
6And Seth lived one hundred and five years, and he begot Enosh.
7And Seth lived after he had begotten Enosh eight hundred and seven years, and he begot sons and daughters.
8And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years, and he died.
9And Enosh lived ninety years, and he begot Kenan.
10And Enosh lived after he had begotten Kenan eight hundred and fifteen years, and he begot sons and daughters.
11And all the days of Enosh were nine hundred and five years, and he died.
12And Kenan lived seventy years, and he begot Mahalalel.
13And Kenan lived after he had begotten Mahalalel eight hundred and forty years, and he begot sons and daughters.
14And all the days of Kenan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died.
15And Mahalalel lived sixty five years, and he begot Jared.
16And Mahalalel lived after he had begotten Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and he begot sons and daughters.
17And all the days of Mahalalel were eight hundred and ninety five years, and he died.
18And Jared lived a hundred and sixty two years, and he begot Enoch.
19And Jared lived after he had begotten Enoch eight hundred years, and he begot sons and daughters.
20And all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty two years, and he died.
21And Enoch lived sixty five years, and he begot Methuselah.
22And Enoch walked with God after he had begotten Methuselah, three hundred years, and he begot sons and daughters.
23And all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty five years.
24And Enoch walked with God, and he was no longer, for God had taken him.
25And Methuselah lived a hundred and eighty seven years, and he begot Lamech.
26And Methuselah lived after he had begotten Lamech, seven hundred and eighty two years, and he begot sons and daughters.
27And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred and sixty nine years, and he died.
28And Lamech lived a hundred and eighty two years, and he begot a son.
29And he named him Noah, saying, "This one will give us rest from our work and from the toil of our hands from the ground, which the Lord has cursed."
30And Lamech lived after he had begotten Noah, five hundred and ninety five years, and he begot sons and daughters.
31And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred and seventy seven years, and he died.
32And Noah was five hundred years old, and Noah begot Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
Genesis Chapter 5 (Biblical Hebrew - Source)
אזֶ֣ה סֵ֔פֶר תּֽוֹלְדֹ֖ת אָדָ֑ם בְּי֗וֹם בְּרֹ֤א אֱלֹהִים֙ אָדָ֔ם בִּדְמ֥וּת אֱלֹהִ֖ים עָשָׂ֥ה אֹתֽוֹ:
בזָכָ֥ר וּנְקֵבָ֖ה בְּרָאָ֑ם וַיְבָ֣רֶךְ אֹתָ֗ם וַיִּקְרָ֤א אֶת־שְׁמָם֙ אָדָ֔ם בְּי֖וֹם הִבָּֽרְאָֽם:
גוַיְחִ֣י אָדָ֗ם שְׁלשִׁ֤ים וּמְאַת֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בִּדְמוּת֖וֹ כְּצַלְמ֑וֹ וַיִּקְרָ֥א אֶת־שְׁמ֖וֹ שֵֽׁת:
דוַיִּֽהְי֣וּ יְמֵֽי־אָדָ֗ם אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־שֵׁ֔ת שְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵאֹ֖ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
הוַיִּֽהְי֞וּ כָּל־יְמֵ֤י אָדָם֙ אֲשֶׁר־חַ֔י תְּשַׁ֤ע מֵאוֹת֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁלשִׁ֖ים שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
ווַֽיְחִי־שֵׁ֕ת חָמֵ֥שׁ שָׁנִ֖ים וּמְאַ֣ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־אֱנֽוֹשׁ:
זוַֽיְחִי־שֵׁ֗ת אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־אֱנ֔וֹשׁ שֶׁ֣בַע שָׁנִ֔ים וּשְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
חוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵי־שֵׁ֔ת שְׁתֵּ֤ים עֶשְׂרֵה֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּתְשַׁ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
טוַיְחִ֥י אֱנ֖וֹשׁ תִּשְׁעִ֣ים שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־קֵינָֽן:
יוַיְחִ֣י אֱנ֗וֹשׁ אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־קֵינָ֔ן חֲמֵ֤שׁ עֶשְׂרֵה֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
יאוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵ֣י אֱנ֔וֹשׁ חָמֵ֣שׁ שָׁנִ֔ים וּתְשַׁ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
יבוַיְחִ֥י קֵינָ֖ן שִׁבְעִ֣ים שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־מַֽהֲלַלְאֵֽל:
יגוַיְחִ֣י קֵינָ֗ן אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־מַֽהֲלַלְאֵ֔ל אַרְבָּעִ֣ים שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
ידוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵ֣י קֵינָ֔ן עֶ֣שֶׂר שָׁנִ֔ים וּתְשַׁ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
טווַיְחִ֣י מַֽהֲלַלְאֵ֔ל חָמֵ֥שׁ שָׁנִ֖ים וְשִׁשִּׁ֣ים שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־יָֽרֶד:
טזוַיְחִ֣י מַֽהֲלַלְאֵ֗ל אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־יֶ֔רֶד שְׁלשִׁ֣ים שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
יזוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵ֣י מַֽהֲלַלְאֵ֔ל חָמֵ֤שׁ וְתִשְׁעִים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
יחוַֽיְחִי־יֶ֕רֶד שְׁתַּ֧יִם וְשִׁשִּׁ֛ים שָׁנָ֖ה וּמְאַ֣ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־חֲנֽוֹךְ:
יטוַֽיְחִי־יֶ֗רֶד אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־חֲנ֔וֹךְ שְׁמֹנֶ֥ה מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
כוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵי־יֶ֔רֶד שְׁתַּ֤יִם וְשִׁשִּׁים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּתְשַׁ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
כאוַיְחִ֣י חֲנ֔וֹךְ חָמֵ֥שׁ וְשִׁשִּׁ֖ים שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־מְתוּשָֽׁלַח:
כבוַיִּתְהַלֵּ֨ךְ חֲנ֜וֹךְ אֶת־הָֽאֱלֹהִ֗ים אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־מְתוּשֶׁ֔לַח שְׁל֥שׁ מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
כגוַיְהִ֖י כָּל־יְמֵ֣י חֲנ֑וֹךְ חָמֵ֤שׁ וְשִׁשִּׁים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁל֥שׁ מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָֽה:
כדוַיִּתְהַלֵּ֥ךְ חֲנ֖וֹךְ אֶת־הָֽאֱלֹהִ֑ים וְאֵינֶ֕נּוּ כִּֽי־לָקַ֥ח אֹת֖וֹ אֱלֹהִֽים:
כהוַיְחִ֣י מְתוּשֶׁ֔לַח שֶׁ֧בַע וּשְׁמֹנִ֛ים שָׁנָ֖ה וּמְאַ֣ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד אֶת־לָֽמֶךְ:
כווַיְחִ֣י מְתוּשֶׁ֗לַח אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־לֶ֔מֶךְ שְׁתַּ֤יִם וּשְׁמוֹנִים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁבַ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
כזוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ כָּל־יְמֵ֣י מְתוּשֶׁ֔לַח תֵּ֤שַׁע וְשִׁשִּׁים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּתְשַׁ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
כחוַֽיְחִי־לֶ֕מֶךְ שְׁתַּ֧יִם וּשְׁמֹנִ֛ים שָׁנָ֖ה וּמְאַ֣ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֖וֹלֶד בֵּֽן:
כטוַיִּקְרָ֧א אֶת־שְׁמ֛וֹ נֹ֖חַ לֵאמֹ֑ר זֶ֞ה יְנַֽחֲמֵ֤נוּ מִמַּֽעֲשֵׂ֨נוּ֙ וּמֵֽעִצְּב֣וֹן יָדֵ֔ינוּ מִן־הָ֣אֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר אֵֽרֲרָ֖הּ יְהֹוָֽה:
לוַֽיְחִי־לֶ֗מֶךְ אַֽחֲרֵי֙ הֽוֹלִיד֣וֹ אֶת־נֹ֔חַ חָמֵ֤שׁ וְתִשְׁעִים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וַֽחֲמֵ֥שׁ מֵאֹ֖ת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֥וֹלֶד בָּנִ֖ים וּבָנֽוֹת:
לאוַֽיְהִי֙ כָּל־יְמֵי־לֶ֔מֶךְ שֶׁ֤בַע וְשִׁבְעִים֙ שָׁנָ֔ה וּשְׁבַ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיָּמֹֽת:
לבוַֽיְהִי־נֹ֕חַ בֶּן־חֲמֵ֥שׁ מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָ֑ה וַיּ֣וֹלֶד נֹ֔חַ אֶת־שֵׁ֖ם אֶת־חָ֥ם וְאֶת־יָֽפֶת:
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