"The Adoration of the Magi" by Andrea Mantegna. The bald dude looks high af, lol. Source
The Gospel of Brotthew: Chapter 2
Published on September 1, 2023
Translated by Daniel Silverman
Aight, so the baby Jesus was born in a city called Bethlehem in the Kingdom of Judea (part of Israel) while this guy named Herod was king. So this group of three guys called "Magi" arrived in Judea from some other place.
"What's a 'Magi'"?
No worries, my dudes, I got you. "Magi" were men of wisdom from Persia from this religion called "Zoroastrianism", and they studied the stars and stuff. "Magi" is actually the root word for the English (and Bro-glish) word "magic". And "magic", y'all bros remember, is what magicians do in Las Vegas. Therefore, we can accurately say that the Magi who visited the baby Jesus travelled all the way from Las Vegas. I kno - pretty far away.
Anyways, 1 of the Magi said, "Yo, where is the baby Jesus? We saw his star in the sky, and we be here now to bro out with him."
King Herod was confused when he heard this, mainly because he was a stupidiot. So he called all his bros, and asked them who Jesus was. All the smart, dorky bros of Jerusalem told Herod that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem, as according to the Prophet Brocah ("Micah" in Mom-and-Dad English):
"Dear Bethlehem, you're in the middle of nowhere. And in the year 2023 AD you'll be really hard to visit for tourist stuff for weird political reasons no one really understands. But it's all good, because from you will come a ruler who will shepherd the people of Israel, because apparently they're all sheep, lol."
When King Herod heard this, he texted the Magi and told them to go to Bethlehem. He told them, "Yo guys, go & search for the baby Jesus. When u find him, let me kno. I just want to say hi to him. Def won't kill him. I promise."
So the Magi followed their magic star to Bethlehem, where it stopped over this one place. In that place, the Magi found the baby Jesus with Mary. This was super cool for them, so they started chest bumping. Then they gave the baby Jesus the gifts they brought for him: gold bling, the Frankenstein monster, and meth (which is obvs short for crystal methamphetamine). After, they took a direct flight back to Las Vegas, cuz they didn't want to deal with Herod.
After the Magi left, an angel appeared Joe when he was high (again) and told him, "Wake the fuck up you dumb muthafucka. Herod and his homies be coming soon to kill the baby Jesus! So go to Egypt and wait for a hot sec."
For those bros who forget, Egypt is a country in northeastern Africa that borders the Mediterranean Sea and the Red Sea, and is home to the pyramids. And the pyramids were built by ancient aliens to store grain.
So Joe took Mary and the baby Jesus to Egypt, where they waited until Herod died. This fulfilled the prophecy that the Prophet Brosea ("Hosea" in Mom-and-Dad English) made; "Out of Egypt I called my son on WhatsApp".
Herod realized that the Magi outsmarted him when he saw that they blocked him on social media. He was mad af, so he ordered all his homies to take their AK's and flamethrowers and kill all the baby boys in Bethlehem. I kno...totally not a cool move.
Thus, another prophecy was fulfilled, this time 1 from the Prophet Broremiah ("Jeremiah" in Mom-and-Dad English):
"A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and crasterbating*, Rachel weeping for her children, and refusing to be comforted, because a bunch of babies just gown pwned by a bunch of dudes with AK's and flamethrowers; baby boys - 0, Herod's homies - 1."
After Herod died (he OD'd on xanax), an angel appeared to Joe while he was high (I kno, again, the bro had a problem). The angel told Joe, "Ok muthafucka, Herod's dead now. You can git the fuc outta Egypt now and go back home."
So Joe took Mary and the baby Jesus and returned to the land of Israel. However, Joe heard that the new king, Archelaus, was Herod's son. Joe also heard that Archelaus was well endowed down below, and Joe - feeling super insecure about his own package - decided to go to the northern region of Galilee. He took his family to a nowhere, redneck town called Nazareth. This fulfilled some kinda prophecy that the Messiah would grow up in the middle of fuck all.
The End of Chapter 2
*If you don't kno what crasterbating is, I highly recommend that you Google Image it while at work. Your boss will totally appreciate that you did the research.
Read the previous chapter here.
Read the next chapter here.
Matthew Chapter 2 (English NIV - Source)
The Magi Visit the Messiah
1After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem 2and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”
3When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. 4When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. 5“In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written:
6“ ‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
who will shepherd my people Israel.’”
7Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. 8He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.”
9After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. 10When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. 11On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 12And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.
The Escape to Egypt
13When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”
14So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”
16When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. 17Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:
18“A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more.”
The Return to Nazareth
19After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt 20and said, “Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child’s life are dead.”
21So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. 22But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, 23and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets, that he would be called a Nazarene.
Matthew Chapter 2 (Koine Greek - Source)
1 Τοῦ δὲ Ἰησοῦ γεννηθέντος ἐν Βηθλέεμ τῆς Ἰουδαίας ἐν ἡμέραις Ἡρῴδου τοῦ βασιλέως, ἰδοὺ μάγοι ἀπὸ ἀνατολῶν παρεγένοντο εἰς Ἱεροσόλυμα
2 λέγοντες · Ποῦ ἐστιν ὁ τεχθεὶς βασιλεὺς τῶν Ἰουδαίων; εἴδομεν γὰρ αὐτοῦ τὸν ἀστέρα ἐν τῇ ἀνατολῇ καὶ ἤλθομεν προσκυνῆσαι αὐτῷ.
3 ἀκούσας δὲ ὁ βασιλεὺς Ἡρῴδης ⸃ ἐταράχθη καὶ πᾶσα Ἱεροσόλυμα μετ’ αὐτοῦ,
4 καὶ συναγαγὼν πάντας τοὺς ἀρχιερεῖς καὶ γραμματεῖς τοῦ λαοῦ ἐπυνθάνετο παρ’ αὐτῶν ποῦ ὁ χριστὸς γεννᾶται.
5 οἱ δὲ εἶπαν αὐτῷ · Ἐν Βηθλέεμ τῆς Ἰουδαίας · οὕτως γὰρ γέγραπται διὰ τοῦ προφήτου ·
6 Καὶ σύ, Βηθλέεμ γῆ Ἰούδα, οὐδαμῶς ἐλαχίστη εἶ ἐν τοῖς ἡγεμόσιν Ἰούδα · ἐκ σοῦ γὰρ ἐξελεύσεται ἡγούμενος, ὅστις ποιμανεῖ τὸν λαόν μου τὸν Ἰσραήλ.
7 Τότε Ἡρῴδης λάθρᾳ καλέσας τοὺς μάγους ἠκρίβωσεν παρ’ αὐτῶν τὸν χρόνον τοῦ φαινομένου ἀστέρος,
8 καὶ πέμψας αὐτοὺς εἰς Βηθλέεμ εἶπεν · Πορευθέντες ἐξετάσατε ἀκριβῶς ⸃ περὶ τοῦ παιδίου · ἐπὰν δὲ εὕρητε, ἀπαγγείλατέ μοι, ὅπως κἀγὼ ἐλθὼν προσκυνήσω αὐτῷ.
9 οἱ δὲ ἀκούσαντες τοῦ βασιλέως ἐπορεύθησαν, καὶ ἰδοὺ ὁ ἀστὴρ ὃν εἶδον ἐν τῇ ἀνατολῇ προῆγεν αὐτούς, ἕως ἐλθὼν ἐστάθη ἐπάνω οὗ ἦν τὸ παιδίον.
10 ἰδόντες δὲ τὸν ἀστέρα ἐχάρησαν χαρὰν μεγάλην σφόδρα.
11 καὶ ἐλθόντες εἰς τὴν οἰκίαν εἶδον τὸ παιδίον μετὰ Μαρίας τῆς μητρὸς αὐτοῦ, καὶ πεσόντες προσεκύνησαν αὐτῷ, καὶ ἀνοίξαντες τοὺς θησαυροὺς αὐτῶν προσήνεγκαν αὐτῷ δῶρα, χρυσὸν καὶ λίβανον καὶ σμύρναν.
12 καὶ χρηματισθέντες κατ’ ὄναρ μὴ ἀνακάμψαι πρὸς Ἡρῴδην δι’ ἄλλης ὁδοῦ ἀνεχώρησαν εἰς τὴν χώραν αὐτῶν.
13 Ἀναχωρησάντων δὲ αὐτῶν ἰδοὺ ἄγγελος κυρίου φαίνεται κατ’ ὄναρ ⸃ τῷ Ἰωσὴφ λέγων · Ἐγερθεὶς παράλαβε τὸ παιδίον καὶ τὴν μητέρα αὐτοῦ καὶ φεῦγε εἰς Αἴγυπτον, καὶ ἴσθι ἐκεῖ ἕως ἂν εἴπω σοι · μέλλει γὰρ Ἡρῴδης ζητεῖν τὸ παιδίον τοῦ ἀπολέσαι αὐτό.
14 ὁ δὲ ἐγερθεὶς παρέλαβε τὸ παιδίον καὶ τὴν μητέρα αὐτοῦ νυκτὸς καὶ ἀνεχώρησεν εἰς Αἴγυπτον,
15 καὶ ἦν ἐκεῖ ἕως τῆς τελευτῆς Ἡρῴδου · ἵνα πληρωθῇ τὸ ῥηθὲν ὑπὸ κυρίου διὰ τοῦ προφήτου λέγοντος · Ἐξ Αἰγύπτου ἐκάλεσα τὸν υἱόν μου.
16 Τότε Ἡρῴδης ἰδὼν ὅτι ἐνεπαίχθη ὑπὸ τῶν μάγων ἐθυμώθη λίαν, καὶ ἀποστείλας ἀνεῖλεν πάντας τοὺς παῖδας τοὺς ἐν Βηθλέεμ καὶ ἐν πᾶσι τοῖς ὁρίοις αὐτῆς ἀπὸ διετοῦς καὶ κατωτέρω, κατὰ τὸν χρόνον ὃν ἠκρίβωσεν παρὰ τῶν μάγων.
17 τότε ἐπληρώθη τὸ ῥηθὲν διὰ Ἰερεμίου τοῦ προφήτου λέγοντος ·
18 Φωνὴ ἐν Ῥαμὰ ἠκούσθη, κλαυθμὸς καὶ ὀδυρμὸς πολύς · Ῥαχὴλ κλαίουσα τὰ τέκνα αὐτῆς, καὶ οὐκ ἤθελεν παρακληθῆναι ὅτι οὐκ εἰσίν.
19 Τελευτήσαντος δὲ τοῦ Ἡρῴδου ἰδοὺ ἄγγελος κυρίου φαίνεται κατ’ ὄναρ ⸃ τῷ Ἰωσὴφ ἐν Αἰγύπτῳ
20 λέγων · Ἐγερθεὶς παράλαβε τὸ παιδίον καὶ τὴν μητέρα αὐτοῦ καὶ πορεύου εἰς γῆν Ἰσραήλ, τεθνήκασιν γὰρ οἱ ζητοῦντες τὴν ψυχὴν τοῦ παιδίου.
21 ὁ δὲ ἐγερθεὶς παρέλαβε τὸ παιδίον καὶ τὴν μητέρα αὐτοῦ καὶ εἰσῆλθεν εἰς γῆν Ἰσραήλ.
22 ἀκούσας δὲ ὅτι Ἀρχέλαος βασιλεύει τῆς Ἰουδαίας ἀντὶ τοῦ πατρὸς αὐτοῦ Ἡρῴδου ⸃ ἐφοβήθη ἐκεῖ ἀπελθεῖν · χρηματισθεὶς δὲ κατ’ ὄναρ ἀνεχώρησεν εἰς τὰ μέρη τῆς Γαλιλαίας,
23 καὶ ἐλθὼν κατῴκησεν εἰς πόλιν λεγομένην Ναζαρέτ, ὅπως πληρωθῇ τὸ ῥηθὲν διὰ τῶν προφητῶν ὅτι Ναζωραῖος κληθήσεται.
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