"The Baptism of Christ " by Andrea del Verrocchio and Leonardo da Vinci. The little hats that everyone is wearing are called "halos", which is a reference to the popular "Halo" video game franchise. Source
The Gospel of Brotthew: Chapter 3
Published on September 10, 2023
Translated by Daniel Silverman
Aight, by the time the baby Jesus became the adult Jesus, there was a guy named John the Baptist preaching in the outback of Israel.
"What is a 'Baptist'?" you ask? Hmm, well good question - thing is, I dunno really tbh. There's an article on Wikipedia about it, but it's long and I didn't really wanna read it. I'm gonna make a guess and say that a "Baptist" is 1 of those Pokemon from the newer generations, but again I'm not 100% sure. How about you go read about it and find out for yourself? Lemme know what you end up learning.
Anyways, John the Baptist was going around telling people that they needed to ask God for forgiveness. He quoted the Prophet Brosiah and said, "You have just received a voice mail on your phone, which says, 'Prepare yourself for the Lord and build straight paths for him on Minecraft'".
John the Baptist's clothes were designed by Gucci, except for his belt, which he had custom made from Prada. He ate from 4 star Michelin restaurants in Manhattan and only drank the finest French champagne. People from Jerusalem and all over Israel were amazed by John, and would come to him to tell them about all the bad things they did. John would be so disgusted and get so sad when the people told him what they did that whenever someone confessed, he would grab her/him, dunk them underwater, and hold them for however long he felt like they deserved it.
When the priests of the Second Temple in Jerusalem came to visit him, he said, "Yo, guys, can't you see this is a private event? Also, just cuz your ancestor Abraham did cool things does NOT mean that you do cool things. So if you end up being shitty, that's on you my dudes."
John then flicked some water at the priests, and said, "Take this baptism, you muthafuckas. But just you mofos wait; a more powerful bro than even me will come soon. And that guy wears Air Jordans, not just regular Nike basketball shoes. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and flamethrowers".
Soon enough, the adult Jesus came from the Galilee to be baptized by John. But John was like, "Not me bro, you."
To which Jesus said, "Nah my man, I appreciate your vibes, but we have to do this for righteousness."
John saw that this made sense, and so he baptized Jesus.
Right after Jesus was baptized, a UFO came from the sky and put a spotlight on him. Then a booming voice went into everyone's earbuds and said, "This is my son, adult Jesus, who is a really cool bro. He makes me super proud".
The End of Chapter 3
Read the previous chapter here.
Read the next chapter here.
Matthew Chapter 3 (English NIV - Source)
John the Baptist Prepares the Way
1In those days John the Baptist came, preaching in the wilderness of Judea 2and saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” 3This is he who was spoken of through the prophet Isaiah:
“A voice of one calling in the wilderness,
‘Prepare the way for the Lord,
make straight paths for him.’ ”
4John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey. 5People went out to him from Jerusalem and all Judea and the whole region of the Jordan. 6Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River.
7But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? 8Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. 9And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. 10The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.
11“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. 12His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”
The Baptism of Jesus
13Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. 14But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”
15Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented.
16As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. 17And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”
Matthew Chapter 3 (Koine Greek - Source)
1 Ἐν δὲ ταῖς ἡμέραις ἐκείναις παραγίνεται Ἰωάννης ὁ βαπτιστὴς κηρύσσων ἐν τῇ ἐρήμῳ τῆς Ἰουδαίας
2 καὶ λέγων · Μετανοεῖτε, ἤγγικεν γὰρ ἡ βασιλεία τῶν οὐρανῶν.
3 οὗτος γάρ ἐστιν ὁ ῥηθεὶς διὰ Ἠσαΐου τοῦ προφήτου λέγοντος · Φωνὴ βοῶντος ἐν τῇ ἐρήμῳ · Ἑτοιμάσατε τὴν ὁδὸν κυρίου, εὐθείας ποιεῖτε τὰς τρίβους αὐτοῦ.
4 αὐτὸς δὲ ὁ Ἰωάννης εἶχεν τὸ ἔνδυμα αὐτοῦ ἀπὸ τριχῶν καμήλου καὶ ζώνην δερματίνην περὶ τὴν ὀσφὺν αὐτοῦ, ἡ δὲ τροφὴ ἦν αὐτοῦ ⸃ ἀκρίδες καὶ μέλι ἄγριον.
5 τότε ἐξεπορεύετο πρὸς αὐτὸν Ἱεροσόλυμα καὶ πᾶσα ἡ Ἰουδαία καὶ πᾶσα ἡ περίχωρος τοῦ Ἰορδάνου,
6 καὶ ἐβαπτίζοντο ἐν τῷ Ἰορδάνῃ ποταμῷ ὑπ’ αὐτοῦ ἐξομολογούμενοι τὰς ἁμαρτίας αὐτῶν.
7 Ἰδὼν δὲ πολλοὺς τῶν Φαρισαίων καὶ Σαδδουκαίων ἐρχομένους ἐπὶ τὸ βάπτισμα αὐτοῦ εἶπεν αὐτοῖς · Γεννήματα ἐχιδνῶν, τίς ὑπέδειξεν ὑμῖν φυγεῖν ἀπὸ τῆς μελλούσης ὀργῆς;
8 ποιήσατε οὖν καρπὸν ἄξιον τῆς μετανοίας
9 καὶ μὴ δόξητε λέγειν ἐν ἑαυτοῖς · Πατέρα ἔχομεν τὸν Ἀβραάμ, λέγω γὰρ ὑμῖν ὅτι δύναται ὁ θεὸς ἐκ τῶν λίθων τούτων ἐγεῖραι τέκνα τῷ Ἀβραάμ.
10 ἤδη δὲ ἡ ἀξίνη πρὸς τὴν ῥίζαν τῶν δένδρων κεῖται · πᾶν οὖν δένδρον μὴ ποιοῦν καρπὸν καλὸν ἐκκόπτεται καὶ εἰς πῦρ βάλλεται.
11 Ἐγὼ μὲν ὑμᾶς βαπτίζω ⸃ ἐν ὕδατι εἰς μετάνοιαν · ὁ δὲ ὀπίσω μου ἐρχόμενος ἰσχυρότερός μού ἐστιν, οὗ οὐκ εἰμὶ ἱκανὸς τὰ ὑποδήματα βαστάσαι · αὐτὸς ὑμᾶς βαπτίσει ἐν πνεύματι ἁγίῳ καὶ πυρί ⸃·
12 οὗ τὸ πτύον ἐν τῇ χειρὶ αὐτοῦ, καὶ διακαθαριεῖ τὴν ἅλωνα αὐτοῦ καὶ συνάξει τὸν σῖτον αὐτοῦ εἰς τὴν ἀποθήκην, τὸ δὲ ἄχυρον κατακαύσει πυρὶ ἀσβέστῳ.
13 Τότε παραγίνεται ὁ Ἰησοῦς ἀπὸ τῆς Γαλιλαίας ἐπὶ τὸν Ἰορδάνην πρὸς τὸν Ἰωάννην τοῦ βαπτισθῆναι ὑπ’ αὐτοῦ.
14 ὁ δὲ Ἰωάννης διεκώλυεν αὐτὸν λέγων · Ἐγὼ χρείαν ἔχω ὑπὸ σοῦ βαπτισθῆναι, καὶ σὺ ἔρχῃ πρός με;
15 ἀποκριθεὶς δὲ ὁ Ἰησοῦς εἶπεν πρὸς αὐτόν ⸃· Ἄφες ἄρτι, οὕτως γὰρ πρέπον ἐστὶν ἡμῖν πληρῶσαι πᾶσαν δικαιοσύνην. τότε ἀφίησιν αὐτόν.
16 βαπτισθεὶς δὲ ⸃ ὁ Ἰησοῦς εὐθὺς ἀνέβη ⸃ ἀπὸ τοῦ ὕδατος · καὶ ἰδοὺ ἠνεῴχθησαν οἱ οὐρανοί, καὶ εἶδεν πνεῦμα θεοῦ καταβαῖνον ὡσεὶ περιστερὰν ἐρχόμενον ἐπ’ αὐτόν ·
17 καὶ ἰδοὺ φωνὴ ἐκ τῶν οὐρανῶν λέγουσα · Οὗτός ἐστιν ὁ υἱός μου ὁ ἀγαπητός, ἐν ᾧ εὐδόκησα.
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