Jesus telling the Devil that he has 1 minute to gtfo before his ass gets whooped. Source
The Gospel of Brotthew: Chapter 4
Published on September 17, 2023
Translated by Daniel Silverman
The Holy Spirit led Jesus off his college campus to be tested by the Devil.
"What is the 'Devil'?" you ask? The Devil is the embodiment of bro douchebagery.
Jesus didn't eat for 40 days and 40 nights as a testament to God. This is kinda similar to how some bros don't jerk off during No-Nut November.
Anyways, the Devil came to Jesus and said, "Yo, if you're so great, why don't you turn the rocks on the ground to Domino's pizza for you to eat?"
To which Jesus said, "My dude, I don't need to eat to survive, because obeying God's study guide is good enough. It's Kenough."
Then the Devil took Jesus to the top of the Empire State Building in NYC, and said, "If you be so cool, why don't you jump down? If you be so cool, you won't get fucked up".
To which Jesus said, "My dude, God's study guide says not to do stupid shit just to do stupid shit. No one should do stupid shit just to see what happens".
Then the Devil took Jesus to the top of the Space Needle building in Seattle and said, "Yo, suck my dick, and I will make you king of all of Washington State".
To which Jesus said, "My dude, I serve only God, and I don't need to be king. I am enough with God. I am Kenough."
Then Jesus drop-kicked the Devil off of the Space Needle. Then angels came from Heaven to high-five Jesus as recognition of his Chad-ness.
Sometime later, Jesus heard that his bro John the Baptist had been sent to jail. He then left his hometown of Nazareth, and went to the city of Capernaum, which was somewhere between Zimbabwe and Nashville. This apparently fulfilled another prophecy from the Book of Brosiah.
From then on, Jesus began telling other bros that they had to learn to be better and follow God's study guide, because "the kingdom of Heaven was coming" (this was code for finals were coming soon).
One day Jesus was walking along a large lake called the Sea of Galilee, where he saw two bros, Simon and Andrew. Simon had multiple personality disorder, so he sometimes called himself "Peter", and Andrew was an edge-lord who preferred the name "Drew".
Anyways, Jesus saw Peter and Drew taking selfies with big fish that they caught, ostensibly for them to (try to) impress girls on Tinder.
Jesus went up to them and said, "Guys, stop this silly shit. Follow me so you can help me share God's study guide among other bros".
Afterwards, Jesus saw 2 other bros, James and John (another John?! I know bros...) the sons of Zebra. Jesus impressed them both with his TikTok dance skills, so they decided to ditch their dad and follow him.
This began Jesus' journey throughout the Galilee, where he shared God's study guide with different bros. He even began curing diseases!
Meth addiction, cocaine addiction, heroine addiction, fentanyl addiction, alcohol addiction, masturbation addiction - Jesus cured it all!
And so bros from Galilee and all of Israel came to Jesus to read God's study guide and to get help with their diseases.
The End of Chapter 4
Read the previous chapter here.
Read the next chapter here.
Matthew Chapter 4 (English NIV - Source)
Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness
1Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
4Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
5Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6“If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“ ‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
7Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
8Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9“All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
10Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
11Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
Jesus Begins to Preach
12When Jesus heard that John had been put in prison, he withdrew to Galilee. 13Leaving Nazareth, he went and lived in Capernaum, which was by the lake in the area of Zebulun and Naphtali— 14to fulfill what was said through the prophet Isaiah:
15“Land of Zebulun and land of Naphtali,
the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan,
Galilee of the Gentiles—
16the people living in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.”
17From that time on Jesus began to preach, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.”
Jesus Calls His First Disciples
18As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20At once they left their nets and followed him.
21Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.
Jesus Heals the Sick
23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.
Matthew Chapter 4 (Koine Greek - Source)
1 Τότε ὁ Ἰησοῦς ἀνήχθη εἰς τὴν ἔρημον ὑπὸ τοῦ πνεύματος, πειρασθῆναι ὑπὸ τοῦ διαβόλου.
2 καὶ νηστεύσας ἡμέρας τεσσεράκοντα καὶ νύκτας τεσσεράκοντα ὕστερον ἐπείνασεν.
3 καὶ προσελθὼν ὁ πειράζων εἶπεν αὐτῷ ⸃· Εἰ υἱὸς εἶ τοῦ θεοῦ, εἰπὲ ἵνα οἱ λίθοι οὗτοι ἄρτοι γένωνται.
4 ὁ δὲ ἀποκριθεὶς εἶπεν · Γέγραπται · Οὐκ ἐπ’ ἄρτῳ μόνῳ ζήσεται ὁ ἄνθρωπος, ἀλλ’ ἐπὶ παντὶ ῥήματι ἐκπορευομένῳ διὰ στόματος θεοῦ.
5 Τότε παραλαμβάνει αὐτὸν ὁ διάβολος εἰς τὴν ἁγίαν πόλιν, καὶ ἔστησεν αὐτὸν ἐπὶ τὸ πτερύγιον τοῦ ἱεροῦ,
6 καὶ λέγει αὐτῷ · Εἰ υἱὸς εἶ τοῦ θεοῦ, βάλε σεαυτὸν κάτω · γέγραπται γὰρ ὅτι Τοῖς ἀγγέλοις αὐτοῦ ἐντελεῖται περὶ σοῦ καὶ ἐπὶ χειρῶν ἀροῦσίν σε, μήποτε προσκόψῃς πρὸς λίθον τὸν πόδα σου.
7 ἔφη αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς · Πάλιν γέγραπται · Οὐκ ἐκπειράσεις κύριον τὸν θεόν σου.
8 Πάλιν παραλαμβάνει αὐτὸν ὁ διάβολος εἰς ὄρος ὑψηλὸν λίαν, καὶ δείκνυσιν αὐτῷ πάσας τὰς βασιλείας τοῦ κόσμου καὶ τὴν δόξαν αὐτῶν
9 καὶ εἶπεν αὐτῷ · Ταῦτά σοι πάντα ⸃ δώσω, ἐὰν πεσὼν προσκυνήσῃς μοι.
10 τότε λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς · Ὕπαγε, Σατανᾶ · γέγραπται γάρ · Κύριον τὸν θεόν σου προσκυνήσεις καὶ αὐτῷ μόνῳ λατρεύσεις.
11 τότε ἀφίησιν αὐτὸν ὁ διάβολος, καὶ ἰδοὺ ἄγγελοι προσῆλθον καὶ διηκόνουν αὐτῷ.
12 Ἀκούσας δὲ ὅτι Ἰωάννης παρεδόθη ἀνεχώρησεν εἰς τὴν Γαλιλαίαν.
13 καὶ καταλιπὼν τὴν Ναζαρὰ ἐλθὼν κατῴκησεν εἰς Καφαρναοὺμ τὴν παραθαλασσίαν ἐν ὁρίοις Ζαβουλὼν καὶ Νεφθαλίμ ·
14 ἵνα πληρωθῇ τὸ ῥηθὲν διὰ Ἠσαΐου τοῦ προφήτου λέγοντος ·
15 Γῆ Ζαβουλὼν καὶ γῆ Νεφθαλίμ, ὁδὸν θαλάσσης, πέραν τοῦ Ἰορδάνου, Γαλιλαία τῶν ἐθνῶν,
16 ὁ λαὸς ὁ καθήμενος ἐν σκοτίᾳ φῶς εἶδεν ⸃ μέγα, καὶ τοῖς καθημένοις ἐν χώρᾳ καὶ σκιᾷ θανάτου φῶς ἀνέτειλεν αὐτοῖς.
17 Ἀπὸ τότε ἤρξατο ὁ Ἰησοῦς κηρύσσειν καὶ λέγειν · Μετανοεῖτε, ἤγγικεν γὰρ ἡ βασιλεία τῶν οὐρανῶν.
18 Περιπατῶν δὲ παρὰ τὴν θάλασσαν τῆς Γαλιλαίας εἶδεν δύο ἀδελφούς, Σίμωνα τὸν λεγόμενον Πέτρον καὶ Ἀνδρέαν τὸν ἀδελφὸν αὐτοῦ, βάλλοντας ἀμφίβληστρον εἰς τὴν θάλασσαν, ἦσαν γὰρ ἁλιεῖς ·
19 καὶ λέγει αὐτοῖς · Δεῦτε ὀπίσω μου, καὶ ποιήσω ὑμᾶς ἁλιεῖς ἀνθρώπων.
20 οἱ δὲ εὐθέως ἀφέντες τὰ δίκτυα ἠκολούθησαν αὐτῷ.
21 Καὶ προβὰς ἐκεῖθεν εἶδεν ἄλλους δύο ἀδελφούς, Ἰάκωβον τὸν τοῦ Ζεβεδαίου καὶ Ἰωάννην τὸν ἀδελφὸν αὐτοῦ, ἐν τῷ πλοίῳ μετὰ Ζεβεδαίου τοῦ πατρὸς αὐτῶν καταρτίζοντας τὰ δίκτυα αὐτῶν, καὶ ἐκάλεσεν αὐτούς.
22 οἱ δὲ εὐθέως ἀφέντες τὸ πλοῖον καὶ τὸν πατέρα αὐτῶν ἠκολούθησαν αὐτῷ.
23 Καὶ περιῆγεν ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ Γαλιλαίᾳ, διδάσκων ἐν ταῖς συναγωγαῖς αὐτῶν καὶ κηρύσσων τὸ εὐαγγέλιον τῆς βασιλείας καὶ θεραπεύων πᾶσαν νόσον καὶ πᾶσαν μαλακίαν ἐν τῷ λαῷ.
24 καὶ ἀπῆλθεν ἡ ἀκοὴ αὐτοῦ εἰς ὅλην τὴν Συρίαν · καὶ προσήνεγκαν αὐτῷ πάντας τοὺς κακῶς ἔχοντας ποικίλαις νόσοις καὶ βασάνοις συνεχομένους, δαιμονιζομένους καὶ σεληνιαζομένους καὶ παραλυτικούς, καὶ ἐθεράπευσεν αὐτούς.
25 καὶ ἠκολούθησαν αὐτῷ ὄχλοι πολλοὶ ἀπὸ τῆς Γαλιλαίας καὶ Δεκαπόλεως καὶ Ἱεροσολύμων καὶ Ἰουδαίας καὶ πέραν τοῦ Ἰορδάνου.
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